Saturday, February 28, 2009

I feel like I just need to get some thoughts out of my head. Get them somewhere other than in my head.
Yesterday my little boy died. 
He's gone. I can never hold him again, hug him, tell him how my much I love him and how proud me makes me. 
I don't know what to do... I just keep having to remind myself to breath. That is all I can do, just breath.
In an instant my Zachary was taken away from me an now somehow I am supposed to keep going.
I don' know how to keep going. No one knows how to keep going. I keep asking people "What am I supposed to do?" and nobody knows. 

I keep going from not believing this is all real to being so completely filled with sadness I can't even hold my self up. I just fall to the ground in a heap.  
How do you go on when your baby is gone? I don't know. I know I have to. I know I have to take care of Miles. I have to make sure that he as amazing and happy as Zachary was. I know Zach would want me to take good care of his baby brother for him. 
I have to take care of myself... that's hard. 
How does life go on? 

I wish I could just Freeze time at yesterday morning when Zach was still here.  When I hugged him goodbye yesterday morning I told him I loved him and I just remember holding him and thinking what an amazing man he would grow up to be.  Now he is gone. I not going to get the chance to watch go and shape into that amazing man.

I try not to think about how it happened. I am just trying to remember who he was and every little bit of life he had, every reason why he was so amazing.


jmassingham said...

Oh My Goodness Jodie! My heart breaks for you as tears are streaming down my face right now! I am so sorry for your loss and I can relate a little. I never got the chance to know my child the way that you knew Zach. But I know the gaping hole that it leaves in your heart and your life. If there is anything that I can do for you please let me know! If you need a friend to just sit with you and cry I will be up there in a heart beat! You just call me anytime of the day or night my dear! I love you and I am hear for you! I wish I had your number so I could come and hold you now! My number is 559-240-7521 and I am here for you and your family for anything at all! My heart goes out to you and your family. Please call me if you need me! I know it's been awhile since we have really talked but I still love you!

Kathy Eller said...

Oh Jodie, my heart is breaking for you and I can't come close to imagining how much yours has broken.

I wish there was something "to do." Something really really horrible happend to your family and there is no way around that. You suffered an incredible loss. It will always hurt.

What do YOU do?

I remember watching this scene in Sleepless in Seattle and thinking "YES! that is what the death of a loved one is you remember the scene? Tom Hanks is talking to a radio psychologist and she asks him:
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while...

Right now, you try to remember to breathe. It will be hard to go on. But, you will because you need to, for Miles (and all of us that love you :) and eventually the wound won't be so raw and you'll smile again.

Chéz Waldon said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart just breaks for you. We nearly lost our sweet baby at just two days old and I kept wondering how I would go on without her. All that pain and she was only two days old. I can only will get through moment by moment.


tricia said...

I just read about this over at Etsy, and it really affected me. I don't have children, but i have a nephew close to the age of Zachary. It is so cruel what life can bring into our lives, and i know this is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. Please take care of yourself and your son Miles. I hope you can someday soon smile again and breathe and be happy. You have only one son now, but make the most of his life. I was not blessed with having children, my hubby and i tried to no avail, and my life seems empty sometimes. I don't know why i'm telling you this, i guess i want your to know that i feel a loss of never even having a child. I hope i haven't said anything hurtful...not my intention. Please see that you are blessed to have Miles and that Zach will be waiting for you in heaven.

All the best to you and your family, and my deepest sympathies. I will be thinking about Zachary alot. So sorrry...

heshta said...

my heart goes out to you

ziazia said...

I'm really sorry to read about your little boy. From seeing all of your photos on flickr, I KNOW he was very happy, and I hope you can find your way around everything, I can only imagine how it feels.
I loved the tatts you guys had made to remember him always with a smile.
Sending lots of hugs your way and wishing you the best.
Vanessa, ziazia.